All my life I've poured myself into drawing and expressing myself. Call it genetics or simple skill/talent. The only thing that matters is that it's my one constant freedom. I pray I never stop.
I've been getting that quite a bit. People telling me I'm racist, mean and demented. I didn't see it that way, until everyone started saying so. And I know that it may appear that way outwardly, but that's not the reasons behind most of my actions. (I say most, because let's face it. I am human, and violence/hate is in our nature)
I don't like people that willingly dumb down society by making ridiculous demands. 'I'm from another county, therefore everyone else HAS to speak my language.' No. You're from another country, therefore YOU have to integrate yourself into this new country's culture. Learn the language, follow the rules and have pride that you were accepted into the country. And if you feel the need to 'brag' how much better the country you're originally from, then fine. Go back. Now, I'm not singling out any one ethnic group or country. This applies to anyone and everyone.
And I'm not mean, aggressive I won't deny. It's not as if I outwardly go out of my way to hurt a person, not intentionally. All my life I've kinda just been pushed to the background, because there was always someone older, someone smarter, funnier, prettier. Whatever. There was just someone always better then me. I'm ashamed to admit that I accepted it. I lived my life by this whole, keep smiling because it's what people expect. And I've gotten sick of it, which is where the aggression and anger has come from. Get pushed back enough, and you finally figure out you have to shove yourself forward for any progress to be made.
I've realized that I have to accept myself before I can move on with what's been plaguing me. I don't know how I'm going to pull that off yet, but I do know I'm gonna need help. And I'm kinda sad to know it's going to require help from people I don't particularly like. People that have hurt and wounded me for a lifetime, the ones that made me this way.
So, my resolution for this is year:
I resolve to talk with Julie. To ask my mother for help with my head high. Thank my grandmother for being one of the only loving people I can remember from childhood. And I want to accept where I am, I may or may not be happy at this point. But this is where I am, and once I'm okay with that I can move on.
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